"Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Drug Counselor"

Dear Everyone,

  My drug counseling group is getting a little unfocused---last evening, they talked about something called "goofballs" for over an hour.  At first, I thought they were being rude to me, but later figured out it was nothing personal.

  I've decided to give them a written quiz tonight.  Here is the quiz (please don't share with any known drug addicts, as that might give some of the junkies an unfair advantage).

1.  What is a "goofball?"
2.  How often do busses run to Humboldt Park?
3.  Why are drugs bad?
4.  A "spike" is:

• A baseball bat.
• A derogatory racial slur.
• A drug thingy.

Please write in 140 characters or less how grateful you are for these drug counseling sessions, and the free gourmet coffee.

Stay tuned for the educational results!

"Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Quells Insurrection"

Dear Everyone,

Last night at my new job counseling recovering drug addicts, there was a smidgeon of  unpleasantness.

Big Spike (his real name, by the way), who, during the day is a highly respected member of some
commodities trading firm, raised his hand.

  I interrupted my recounting of my hellish 4 hours kicking H to acknowledge him.

"Yes?" I said coolly.
"No offense, Chief, but exactly how long were you riding the white pony?"
"Well, Big Spike, it's a little hard to keep track of time when you're in that condition..."
"Because according to JUNKIE, which you read to us for about nine hours yesterday..."
"See what I mean, B. S. ? It was actually no longer than 25 or 30 minutes..."
"It takes two hits a day for two months to DEVELOP a habit: page 115."

The group looked at me dubiously; junkies are so paranoid.

"Inflation, B.S.  That book was written in the '50's, when eggs were 2 cents apiece; things have changed.  Now you can get hooked, seek help and kick in ten days."

The group nodded; I had regained my authority.  B.S. slunk out.

STAY TUNED! and D.A.R.E.!

"Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Talks Tough"

Dear Everyone,

  I had my first "group" session as a drug counselor yesterday!  So excited.

  I opened with a frank account of my harrowing descent into drug addiction last week---the long bus rides to Humboldt Park looking to "score" with my "connection. "  Actually, the group was very interested in that part---lots of questions, and gossip about various interesting experiences.

 I thought we were getting a little off-topic, so I brought out the bible:  JUNKIE, by William S. Burroughs, borrowed from the Chicago Public Library.  I read aloud for about 25 minutes this classic account of the scourge of drugs, circa 1952.

 Some of the group were looking a little sleepy, so we adjourned; I invited people to stay for coffee and more sharing, but everyone had someplace to go.

  ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Cleeuts Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Announces new Career Path

Dear Everyone,

Since becoming clean and sober last week ( by the way, when they say unlimited free gourmet coffee,
they actually mean, after 3 pots, they start looking at you funny.  I'm just saying),
I've become a drug counselor.

If you find your life careening out of control, I hope you'll consider joining me in the path of sobriety
and
FREE UNLIMITED GOURMET COFFEE.

It's such a relief; those bus rides to Humboldt Park took forever.

Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Clean and Sober

Dear Everyone Who has Supported Me During my Terrifying Descent into Drug Addiction:

Well, it's been quite a week. 

   My girlfriend, Gaia Shalom Namaste, came out to Humboldt Park last night and chased away
my new friends, Spike, Lefty and Crazy Girl. 
  I wasn't making much sense at the time, as I'd been "high" for over 15 minutes.  (One of the challenges of my terrifying descent into drug addiction was that I don't have much money; I could only afford 1/64 of the usual "hit," and nobody seemed inclined to take Discover.  I think a savvy businessman would revisit this policy).

  Then, she bundled me into her 2013 Prius and took me to this wonderful place:  Free coffee, free phone usuage, no judgment.

  LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL----Thank you, Gaia Shalom Namaste!

After I receive my free bus pass, I plan to go apply for a "job" as a drug counselor.

Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Unavailable for Comment

It is I, Gaia Shalom Namaste, speaking:

Cleetus Ferbderbler is my life and soul mate; unfortunately, this week he has become a hopeless junkie.  

I will continue this blog with the assistance of our attorney, Tom King Clear.

First, I'd like to speak out about the horrific politics in certain hot yoga studios.
Personally, I do not find some little maniac barking, "HOLD. HOLD. HOLD!  NEXT POSE!"
to be terribly enlightening.

I will now go to Humboldt Park to look for Cleetus.

Namaste

Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor Dares to Stay Off Drugs, to No Avail

Hey, man:

(Since my terrifying descent into drug addiction, I find myself speaking like a hep cat from 1956).

So, (snore....scratch), anyway....
I'm like back from Cairo...
Shows were a complete bummer...
Audience thought my robot voice was a comment on some
local dude...
Slept 45 hours...

Had a downer interview with Ms. Klisterschmuck at a certain "comedy" school---
She just doesn't get it, man.  AND SHE KNEW JOHN BELUSHI, honestly...

Later...I've got, an...
appointment (and since I don't drive, I have to take the bus to a certain high crime area, and it takes
FOREVER).

Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Announces Terrifying Descent Into Drug Addiction

Dear Everyone,
  I'd like to announce my terrifying descent into drug addiction.

After our last show in Cairo (only fair; the audience seemed distracted), I collected my per diem---$1.65---and headed into the humid, but enticing Cairo evening.

Within moments!  I was in an OPIUM DEN, and "chasing the dragon" for all I was worth!

I have a few questions, however:

1.  When I return to the Midwest, are needles (or "spikes") included?
2.  Do the "dealers" (or "connections") take Discover?
3.  If I become a "dealer" myself, are my expenses fully deductible?

Stay tuned, everyone----soon this will be "Naked Lunch" meets "Teen Spirit" meets many many Billie Holiday songs!

So excited!

Cleetus Ferbderbler, Boy Improvisor, Confronts Mob in Cairo (not Illinois)

Dear Everyone, I blog to you today from EGYPT!

  Two days ago, I received a call from a certain "comedy" school which occasionally "hires" me to
spread the "gospel" of "improv" throughout the world.  (It's strange, other people go to places like Brandeis, or the University of South Dakota;  I am sent to North Korea, and now: EGYPT!)

  Ms. Klisterschmuck, the director of touring, called me in and said, "Cleetus, you idiot.  What's that nonsense on your face?"
  I patiently explained that muttonchop whiskers are the latest thing for edgy young hip people like me.
  "You look like Chester A. Arthur. Get a razor when you arrive in Cairo.  It's a very conservative country."

  Well, I guess Ms. Klisterschmuck was right:  Ever since we've been here, crowds have been gathering in the streets outside the hotel.   Apparently muttonchop whiskers are a divisive issue---some people are shouting "Yes!" and others, "No!"

I refuse to be swayed by public opinion! 
Long live the chops!